Yield vs. Surrender and the trapdoor of Rigghtousness

Ever-present righteousness

Righteousness has been an ever-present force in my life, mirroring the ego it accompanies. Sometimes I call it my Bulldozer or my Bull. It is pretty unyielding, rooted in a past of not standing up for myself. I would tell myself, "I should have, would have, or could have done this or that," letting the feelings of shame take hold again, leading to emotional eating, anger, depression, and righteousness. I would yearn to right the wrong. I even got into a business to be paid for my rescue mentality, which was much healthier than my previous version of exercising my rescue mentality without the paycheck.

I let righteousness be a personal foundation stone, backed by selling my opinion as fact. "I KNOW THE WAY!" In order to become a coach or be coachable, I needed to set aside my need for control. In order to hold the space of authenticity as a coach and be willing to learn from someone else, I went on a search for the best practice to let go of this righteousness.

All of the reading, my mentor coaches, and classmates all used this phrase: "Surrender to whatever possibility." Yet as soon as the word "surrender" was used, all my hair went up on the back of my neck; I became defensive and aggressive. What was it about that word that had me so up in arms? After journaling for a few weeks, meditating, and experiencing life's randomness, it hit me that the word "surrender" told my subconscious that I was giving up my power. Worse than that, I was giving my power to someone else. I am surrendering "to you," "to this or that." I am alpha, and in my core, I will never do such a thing.

Yet there is this need for me to be able to do the work of holding space without judgment or projection. This has to be done for the client to have the freedom to explore their boundaries without fear of feeling judged, or my opinion coming in to influence their work. I needed to do something with my righteousness in order for me to do this work. "How!"

Yielding instead of surrendering

I was watching some kind of Samurai movie, and before entering the palace of the emperor, the Samurai was asked to yield his sword. BOOM! That was it. The word "surrender" meant losing to me, giving up, quitting. That was the root interpretation for me. The word "yield" tells my subconscious that I choose to put my sword away, keeping my power, keeping my ability to protect, keeping my symbol of strength and freedom. It was a wash of release because I also didn't need to waste the energy with an internal fight.

So now when asked to surrender, I ask myself to yield. To allow without fight or resistance, fluidity will be maintained through the needed process. I meditate with the word "yield" often, to help me surrender often to my own deeper exploration. I choose now to even surrender to myself.

It took me yielding to be able to witness my own internal conflicts over not wanting to give in to this or that. Not until I sat on that hill, with my sword put away, watching my own battle below, did I get to witness my own trap of struggle. I divided myself from my own peace. I believed not having a sword was weak. Having the sword only made me ready to fight myself.

Conclusion

I hope that sharing my story and insights will help others who are struggling with righteousness to see it as a form of control. I also hope that they will find the distinction between surrender and yielding to be helpful.